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President Trump Implores Supporters to “READ SIEGE!”

As the clock struck midnight on Wednesday, President Trump gathered the media for an impromptu press conference at the White House. The shocked members of the White House press corp were silently awaiting Trump’s arrival to the podium. They all looked at each other with bewilderment, wondering why he had called for an emergency press conference at such a late hour of the night.

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President Trump holding his new favorite book, “Siege”, by James Mason (Photo Credit: Dino Spumoni)

Trump making his entrance into the press room (Photo Credit: Dino Spumoni)

As the clock struck midnight on Wednesday, President Trump rousted journalists for an impromptu press conference at the White House. The shocked members of the White House press corps were silently awaiting Trump’s arrival to the podium. They all looked at each other with bewilderment, wondering why they had been called to the conference at such a late hour. Moments later, the reporters were jolted by the sound of Motley Crue’s cover of, “Helter Skelter”, blaring at maximum volume through gigantic speakers positioned in all four corners of the room. Fog machines began filling the air with smoke as strobe lights were flashing and causing members of the press to become visibly disoriented. Kurt Eichenwald, who only attended in order to purchase a 16gb flash drive full of rare hentai pics from Jake Tapper, immediately collapsed and began convulsing in a violent grand mal seizure fit. Members of the press quickly averted their attention from the foaming-at-the-mouth, weebo pervert to President Trump as he kicked in the door with such force that it completely came off its hinges and flew across the room, taking out both Andrea Mitchell & the freakish half-simian David Gregory. Trump’s WWE style entrance lasted for 45 seconds as he slowly strolled up to the microphone with a sinister, knowing grin on his face.

As the press corps stood frozen with fear, Trump reached into the left side of his suit jacket and pulled out a rectangular object from its inner pocket. In his giant hand he held a black book with the title, “Siege”, written in bold, blood red lettering on the front cover. The book was written by James Mason in 1992 and it detailed the armed struggle of a hypothetical National Socialist revolution in America. Trump didn’t even bother to thank the journalists for their attendance before getting right into the reason he called for the press conference. “Listen folks, I very rarely give endorsement for books other than my own, but this book is something really, really special here. Believe me”. The President then held aloft the controversial written work adding, “For months now I’ve been receiving these weird messages daily on Twitter from the accounts of people who have on these kinda scary skeleton masks, calling me a giant faggot and telling me to read this book. Initially I was like, “Woah, first of all I’m all man – ask Melania, she’ll tell you – and secondly, this is a little strange, but then I said to myself – hey, what do I have to lose?”.

President Trump unveiling, “Siege”, to the White House press corp (Photo Credit: Dino Spumoni)

Artist’s rendition of Trump’s ritual sacrifice of Jared Kushner (Photo Credit: Dino Spumoni)

President Trump went on to speak, in the rambling 45 minute address about his love for for the recently deceased Charles Manson. “Ya know, I always admired Charlie. He was the guy that really put an end to that whole nasty hippie thing, but now I’ve really gained a whole new respect for the guy”. Trump then made his signature”okay” (👌🏼) hand gesture and added, “I’m a great negotiator. Everyone knows that. I’ve built an incredible real estate empire with my negotiation skills, but there will be zero negotiations going forward when it comes to restoring the universal order. And Jews – this goes for you especially – you are in YUGE trouble, I mean, BIG LEAGUE trouble. There will be no shelter from the coming helter skelter, folks”. Trump then declared an immediate end to the Federal EBT food stamp program. He said, “I know the niggers will totally lose their shit almost immediately because of this, which is why I’m giving every White American a fully automatic, military grade assault rifle. Let’s get this race war on the road, people”.

Trump abruptly halted the press conference at around the 20 minute mark, motioning to an aid and saying, “Ok, bring him out here”. Then, carried by two burly, black-clad, hairless men, a screaming, hogtied Jared Kushner emerged from behind the blue curtain. Extracting what appeared to be a curved, ceremonial dagger from beneath the podium, the president then recited an incomprehensible occult incarnation in an indeterminate language, then plunged the shiny blade into the throat of Kushner as he pleaded for mercy. Licking the blood from the dagger Trump proudly declared, “My fellow Americans, the great cleansing has begun. No longer will we surrender our destiny to the rootless clique of Semitic destroyers”.

Photo Credit: Dino Spumoni

President Trump gave a hearty Roman salute to conclude the conference before telling  the room of stunned reporters, “Thanks for coming, folks. It’s such a lovely day out there, so we’ve set up a table with food and refreshments outside on the lawn. Go celebrate the dawn of our new White imperium with a nice taco bowl on the house”. The former president and newly titled führer then directed his blackshirt henchmen with a finger snap to forcibly usher the press corps out the main exit, where they immediately and unexpectedly fell into a giant, mote-like pit filled with molten lava.

CNN’s Jim Acosta holding on for dear life before plunging to his fiery death

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